Oh Mae God

I don’t know if you heard but the Americans recently caught Osama Bin Laden. The entire event happened during Extreme Rules. The WWE have been known for his patriotism so I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised that a video package of 9/11 and Cena’s post-Extreme Rules speech opened the show. What got me was the constant reminder that WWE was the first public assembly after the attacks. Like the WWE healed America. Anyway, an emotional and off-pitch Lillian Garcia opened the show with the National Anthem. She then went crazy kicking off USA chants.

The network must’ve been thrilled.

After that RAW officially began and the Rock’s music hit and Josh Matthews welcomed us to “a celebration of patriotism and… The Rock’s Birthday”. Way to get perspective, gurl. The Rock made an electric entrance like he always does especially considering he was in his hometown.

After giving an impassioned speech about the troops, being home and a quick look through the scrapbook of his life, The Rock was interrupted by the Anonymous RAW GM. The GM wanted an apology but The Rock decided to berate Michael Cole instead. Cole retaliated by taking off his shirt to reveal a Celtics jersey. The crowd booed like crazy and it must be the first time this cheap heat-creating tactic actually worked.

The Rock then told Cole to get into the ring. Cole did so, demanding an apology from The Rock for the way he treated Cole over the years. The Rock agreed to the apology and shook Cole’s hand only for him to turn on Cole and Rock Bottom. Everyone saw it coming but it sure worked.

Then for some reason Pitbull came out. Now, I wouldn’t say that I’m the coolest guy around and my musical taste varies but my ears are trained well enough to know that what Pitbull makes isn’t music… it’s just noise. Pitbull was joined onstage by the Miami Heat cheerleaders. How non-PG of you, WWE.

From Pitbull to Bullshit, it was time for R Truth v John Morrison. This is a feud I couldn’t care less about and the match didn’t even get started because Truth attacked Morrison from behind. I imagine this is going to keep happening. Hopefully one of them can beat some mic skills into the other.

Throughout the night we were offered clips of celebs wishing The Rock a happy birthday. Some were funny like Steve Carrell and others were terrible like Ellen. I can’t stand Ellen. I hate her. She makes everything about herself. She talks over her guest. I have no idea why she is popular. She is smug and arrogant. Anyway, yeah, so birthday messages… they were a nice touch.

It was Diva time on RAW as Kelly Kelly went up against Maryse. The match was pretty much a way to reintroduce Kharma who debuted at Extreme Rules. Halfway through the match, she came out looking like someone had hid her food. But, who would she go after? For some reason she went for Maryse and actually spared Kelly Kelly. I’ve no idea where this is heading or if Kelly Kelly will be her play thing in some weird “I own a human Barbie” storyline but either way it was pretty cool. Kudos to Kelly too, she showed some real acting skills.

After Kharma struck we went backstage to mediocrity where we ended up with Khali dressed as a Tooth Fairy. Nice to see the talent is being used well. Sadly, Khali is uber famous in India so WWE won’t get rid of him.

From the stupid to the sublime, The Miz v John Cena in a WWE title rematch. It was an fantastic match and was PPV worthy. Say what you want about John Cena, he always manages to get the other guy over. Yes, it’s annoying how he gets on winning streaks but it works and I am a Miz fan! The match had twists and turns, kick outs and fake outs but the ending was a shocker. The Miz used the title belt to knock out Cena and pick up the win. But, the referee recognised what had happened and overturned the decision! Pretty cool end if you ask me.

Alberto Del Rio’s move to RAW could mean one of two things. It could mean he excels into main event calibre wrestling or he could disappear into the fold. I worry that he may disappear but here’s hoping he doesn’t. Anyway, he turned up for a tag bout where Rey Mysteiro and Kofi Kingston would face Jack Swagger and Drew McIntyre. McIntyre and Swagger decided to usher in their partnership with a homoerotic entrance.

The match was so-so and ended with a Mysterio win. Del Rio then tried to run in but Mysterio kicked him out. Guess they’re rehashing that old feud.

We then got a visit backstage again where Vickie Guerrero and Dolph Ziggler had a present for The Rock. It was Mae Young. Vickie found this hilarious but The Rock told her that, no matter how much weight she lost, she’d never be as hot as Mae. Then he kissed her.

I think I’m going to be sick.

Speaking of being off-colour, it was time for a Mason Ryan match. Ryan was to go up against Kane in a match that seemed to be just filler. But then something strange happened, Ryan overpowered Kane completely.

This then set off a crazy and wonderful chain of events which indicates that they might just be pushing Ryan into singles competition! Oh my gosh! With Steve Jones’ new X Factor US role, it seems the Welsh will be invading America.

After Mason Ryan’s crazy flip-out, The Rock returned to the ring to thank everyone for the night. It wasn’t over, however, as Rock was interrupted by Vince McMahon! Last time we saw Vince he was part of a nightmare Stephanie McMahon had where he woke up from his Coma in order to vote for Linda. Or something. Either way, the dude is meant to be in a fictional coma and now nobody knows what is going on.

Vince gave a sweet speech about how The Rock is back where he belongs. I must admit, I teared up and Vince told Rock that they had a gift for him. We were then given a wonderful video package of The Rock’s career.

The entire thing was sweet but really not needed. The Rock was getting a year older, he wasn’t retiring and let’s face it, he isn’t back. He’s just popping in now and again. Ah well, we ended on balloons.

I like Balloons.


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