On Wrestlebitch I always like to try something different and it seemed my Money In The Bank Rap Recap took off pretty well. So, therefore, I’m going to use rap/poetry in my recaps more often, starting with this RAW recap.
So RAW kicked off with Vince McMahon and his new stooge (oh woopsie) John Laurinaitis. The two were in the ring to discuss what was going to happen now that CM Punk has CM Bunked off with the title. So, were they going to introduce a new title? What was going to happen? Well, Vince decided there would be a tournament for the title involving Alex Riley, The Miz, Kofi Kingston, R Truth, Rey Mysterio, Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger and Alberto Del Rio.
Match one went to Miz and Riley
But Miz, well, wasn’t so smiley
His knee was hurting and down he went
Riley pounced and The Miz was spent
A battle between to former friends
I couldn’t wait to see how it ends
The match was great and had good skill
Riley so passion, The Miz showed will
The Miz I supported and who can blame me
He killed Riley’s chances like drugs killed Amy
And with a Skull Crushing Finale
The Miz won the match and the crowd went barmy
The next match was R Truth v Jack Swagger. It was a pretty good match and I wasn’t actually sure who to support. Jack Sthwagger is the All American American who is on the up and R Truth is, well, crazy. I love crazy people. It seemed like Swagger was going to win it and it looked to me like WWE were gearing up for a Truth/Morrison feud upon his return but, out of nowhere, Truth rolled Swagger up for the win.
Del Rio came out and did a speech
It was how his destiny wasn’t defeat
He wanted John Cena fired that night
He was probably afraid of a real fight
His destiny was championship gold
But this destiny bullshit is getting old
Del Rio is boring and I’m getting annoyed
With his dull promos and lame ass ploys
But we did see a dramatic return
As his personal announcer came to take his turn
The introductions were done and the bell did ring
It was Kofi Kingston that he’d be facing
The match was so-so but the result a surprise
Kofi won and there was hunger in his eyes
As Kofi prepared who whoever he’d next face
Del Rio sulked off with his new briefcase
Next in the BORE-nament was Dolph Ziggler v Rey Mysterio. The only push I’d like Rey Mysterio to receive is one over a cliff. I think the guy is boring but, now Sin Cara is Sin Action for 30 days I guess he’s the favourite Mexican high flyer again. Arrrrrriba, gurl.
The match itself wasn’t that bad and Dolph’s in ring style is really improving. Plus, he has an amazing ass. I’m not saying that helps in the long run but it certainly spices up what it a rather dull Tournament.
Sadly for Dolph, having amazing glutes just wasn’t enough and Mysterio picked up the win.
The next bout we saw was a little bit crazy
It was 7 on 7 with all the top ladies
But inside the ring were the same two chicks
Rosa Mendes the failure and the awesome Beth Phoenix
Beth tried the best with the hot mess she got
But Rosa fluffed it up and most of the moves were botched
It was over in a flash like the first time you have sex
Beth Phoenix busted her nose doing what she does best
Let this be a lesson if you’re going to fuck up
Beth will slam you so hard she will eventually draw blood
Next was The Miz (yey!) v Kofi Kingston (boo) and even though I love The Miz I don’t want to see him wrestle loads on one show. Either way, I shouldn’t complain because I got to see the Miz writhe around on the mat. Yes, he was in pain but so what? It’s still hot. Kofi did what Kofi does best and actually put on a really good match.
Ultimately, it was The Miz that would take it.
The Miz’s match was over and I was beginning to snore
Then it was time for R Truth and the Mexican Bore
Mysterio and Crazy went head to head
I didn’t care for the result so I went to the toilet instead
Upon my return I was surprised to see
Rey Mysterio had gained himself a victory
So the final was decided it was Mysterio v Miz
But McMahon interrupted for some important Biz
The rest of the night was a real surprise
My heart broke at the tears in Vince’s eyes
Is Son-In-Law Hunter came to decree
That the board has decided he’d now run WWE
Vince’s decisions were questioned and this is procedure
HHH’s first act was to spare John Cena
No sacking for Cena and Vince’s duties were relived
Got the whole internet talking of who had been deceived
I can’t wait for next Monday for answers to the lot
Like did Triple H mean it when he said I love you Pop?
So HHH is now chairman. Vince is gone. Cena is back. But what of Punk? So many questions.
Until next time,